I had a tough day with school yesterday and it kind of spilled over into today and I ended up thinking about it during my entire workout this morning. If you don't know I am in school to be a broadcast meteorologist. Working on my second bachelors degree is a lot harder than the first because of the math and science involved. Lots of calculus, etc. It only gets harder from here. So far I have been able to focus on the day to day, but I need to start thinking about the future, and kiddo.
I have to move about 2 hours away starting next fall for two years to finish my degree. This is going to involve a ton of driving back and forth to see kiddo. When I graduate it gets worse. I can't just get a job on TV in St. Louis, it is a top 20 media market. I have to move to the middle of nowhere and work my way up. I have to leave kiddo to pursue my career. Do I really want to do this? I will miss the formative years of kiddo, she will just be going to Kindegarten and I will be starting my broadcast career in who knows where.
I never wanted to live in St. Louis to begin with, but having a child changed my priorities, now I feel like I have to choose between my child and my dreams. I don't want to end up acting like a martyr and then harbour resentment later. On the other hand this has been my passion since I was a kid. I kind of think I see my answer, but it is still pretty cloudy.
If anything, I feel a bit angry and betrayed that I have to be in this situation in the first place. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things I've done, choices I've made. Then there would be no kiddo at all, and I couldn't imagine that.
I totally get what you're saying. Career vs. where you want to live vs. being near your kids. It's a tug of war. For me, I want to move someplace cheaper than Silicon Valley, but that would mean not being near my kids, so I stayed. But my career is fine here. I totally get your predicament, that you can't do the weather thing.
ReplyDeleteAt least you can't right now. You never know... use The Secret
Hang in there. None of us ever knows what the future holds...there could be possibilities waiting for you that you haven't even imagined yet....
ReplyDeleteWell, for now savor every minute you have with kiddo. You never know if you might be able to take her with you when the time comes. I had a similar decision to make when Ex and I split. I never wanted to stay in NYC and that was a huge bone of contention in our marriage, after prior to marriage she agreed we would leave NYC after having kids. Rather than get involved in an expensive custody battle, I decided to suck it up and stay so that I could have my little girl half the time. I'd much rather live somewhere else that has trees and grass, don't cost an arm and a leg to rent a shoebox, and where people actually are nice and say crazy things like "good morning" when they see you. Honestly though, it wasn't much of a decision at all. For me, seeing my girl beats any amount of money, job, nice house, etc. that I could ever have without her.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel. As a single mom, I sometimes harbor resentment for allowing myself to be in such a situation.
ReplyDeleteBut no matter how difficult my day was, seeing my little boy smile at me at the end of the day really does make me feel a lot better about myself--I wouldn't be this strong if it weren't for him. And then I feel proud about what I've been able to accomplish, inspite of my not-so-perfect situation.
(Of course, there are also days when he pushes ALL of the wrong buttons and ... well ... you get the picture.
Can't tell you how glad I am that I ran across this post. Boy do I hear you. I have settled in Mt. Vernon, even though I work in Springfield. I would much rather live in the city, but because my kidlets dad is Monett I sacrifice it. And we agreed to always live close for their sake. It does suck sometimes, but I guess that is the price we pay for our kids.
ReplyDelete