Eating Money

My daughter was at a bar with her mom and her boyfriend, swallowed two quarters, began choking and the paramedics had to be called. I know that sounds awful so let me clear it up. The bar is the one her moms boyfriend works at, it was closed, and her mom gets paid to clean it every afternoon.

Kiddo has never done anything this crazy before so I am wondering how she got the idea. Her mom said she saw the quarters go into her mouth and the next thing she knew she is choking. One got all the way down and the other lodged in her throat. Kiddos mom yelled for her bf and called 911 and he got the one she way choking on out, and a cook in the back did the heimlich and Clare threw the other coin up. Then the fire department showed up and checked her out. Kiddo is completely traumatized by the entire incident. She is almost three and talks about everything. When I dropped her off at her moms the other day the first thing she said to her was, "Momma, I was bad. I throwed a fit and I was bad." Pretty much what happened. I asked her what happened today and she asked me not to ask her about it!

It really scared her mom. She called me right after it happened and you could tell she was upset. She signed up for a CPR class at the Red Cross and encouraged me to do the same. I think I will also, you never know when it will come in handy! The funny part is when I put her pajamas on last night I found a quarter in the pocket of the jean skirt she was wearing!

Headed to a wedding for the weekend. Have a good one!

Brownies and Births

Some friends of mine are getting ready to have a baby and told me tonight about going to baby class to get prepared for the upcoming birth. I remembered back to my days of going to that class with the ex. I really had no idea what to expect, I wasn't even expecting to be expecting at that time in my life!

We did the class at the hospital closest to us and where we were planning on having kiddo. We did not have health insurance at the time and it looked like we were in good company. Lots of teenagers and their moms. There was only one other one other couple in the entire class. It lasts for about six weeks from what I remember, and I got some use full information out of it. Nothing I couldn't have learned reading a book.

The final class the nurse asked us to bring in a snack for the entire class. I don't remember what we brought, but there were some interesting choices on the table. My personal favorite was the box of Little Debbie brownies. I stuck with those since they were individually wrapped. We all go down to the lecture hall in the hospital and get comfortable with our food and she pops the projector on and shows us an actual birth. What the crap!?! We are all eating food and drinking soda here! Come on lady! I have never seen this happen before and stop in mid bite. It's like watching a train wreck. The educational video ends, lights come up, I toss my brownie in the trash and get pushed down the hall to the parking garage by the ex telling me "Come on its natural and beautiful." Or something to that effect.

Even though I was a bit shell shocked, I was prepared when kiddos bday finally rolled around and would highly recommend any first time dads to go to the class. Moms, you already know what to expect, so make your husbands/boyfriends go with you!

Breakups are Fun

Have you ever had just a crazy ex you will never forget? I have a ton of them. I was on the phone yesterday with a good friend and was reminded of how crazy this one was.

I met Jen in a piano bar in Springfield, MO. She had a friend come right up to me to tell me she was interested, should have been tip off number one. I don't understand why hot girls have zero self esteem, but another blog altogether. Anyway, a relationship formed from this meeting and we had a fairly good one for about 6 months or so. If you know me on a personal level that is like 20 years for me. Anyway, it turns out she is just fucking crazy and terrible in bed to top it off. I'm wanting to break up with her, but don't do it because she has asked me to attend a cousins wedding in Georgia. The big day is just around the corner so we drive there because afterwards there is a family reunion we are going to attend! Her family is completely loaded and this wedding is off the chain, it is in a butterfly house, top of the line food, drinks, etc. Jen proceeds to sneak her 15 year old cousin drinks which I told her was stupid and not to do. Well, the cousin gets drunk and Jen's mom figures it out and calls her out on it in front of a bunch of people. I told her mom I asked her not do it and in front of a bunch of people Jen turns around and punches me in the face! I get a bloody nose and ruin my favorite tie. I am so pissed, here I am in Athens, GA which I drove to, with a bunch of people I don't know, and I have a bloody nose. I clean myself off, take off my tie and proceed to get plowed with her brother who I actually like. The reception ends and we head to a bar downtown. Jen get another underage cousin into the bar and gets her drunk as well! What is this girls deal. I end up carrying her cousin from the bar to the hotel and sneaking into her parents room and putting her in bed. The relationship is over at this point, but we have a family reunion to go to the next day. I make nice and pretend like everything is cool and then have an awkward 17 hour drive home. Long story short, I take her back for some reason and a week later we go out.

We get to the bar with my friends and have a few cocktails. She proceeds to tell my good friends girlfriend he is cheating on her, which is true, and a huge fight ensues. I break up with her immediately on the spot and she runs out of the bar. She is bombed so I have to get her home at least and flag a cab down. She is running from me hiding behind cars, just being insane. Finally I get her to the cab and we ride back to her parents house. They live in a really nice part of town and when we pull into the driveway she refuses to get out. She doesn't want to break up, is crying, and holding onto the oh shit handle for her life. Finally, I just go into her parents house at 2 in the morning, walk into the master bedroom and tell her mom her daughter refuses to leave the cab because I dumped her! I have balls of steel. Her mom gets her robe on and literally drags her from the cab kicking and screaming. The cab driver is congratulating me, her mom is flipping me off, and Jen is begging for me to change my mind. I get in the cab and haul out of there, that is the last time I ever saw her. Thank God.

I'm headed to the lake house with my daughter for the weekend in a few hours, have a great weekend everyone, if you are reading this and on the verge of a breakup just do it!

Random thoughts and covered in Sh$%

So I take my dog for a walk on this unbelievably beautiful day and she takes a dump and I forget a bag. Luckily some good samaritan has thrown a plastic McDonalds cup in the gutter so I pick it up as a makeshift. It has some iced tea in it so I toss it and scoop up the dog shit. My dog by the way is way over weight and takes human sized smashes.(slang term for craps) feel free to use at will. This does not go according to plan, the cup is a little wet from recent rain and iced tea and I don't make a clean pick up. Some dog shit is up towards the top and starts mixing with the liquid. Then it starts running down the side of the cup, soon my hand is covered in dog shit and it is grossing me out. What do I do? Move the cup to the other hand for some inexplicable reason leaving me with two hands covered in dog shit. I was a good 15 blocks from home, so it was a great walk back.


I went to Nebraska to visit my brother recently and then down to Springfield, MO to take care of some school issues. I am amazed at how nice people are in other areas of the country. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through a transaction at the grocery store, gas station, etc, without one single word being uttered in the STL. I had several conversations with clerks on my roadtrip. I was struck at how nice people can be and it reinforced my general disdain for the town I live in. 16 more years and out of the STL!

As nice as it is out, I should be in a better mood, but something is off today. Until next time!

Sigs

A Brother Thing

I'm visiting my brother in Nebraska for the weekend, so I thought I would write a tribute to one of the best stories we have together, as in not a heart warming one, but drunken debauchery gone wrong.

My parents used their American Express rewards points several years ago to buy a trip for the family to go to the premiere of A Guy Thing in Los Angeles. It included airfare, a huge suite at the W in Westwood, limos, red carpet walk, the premiere, and after party. I went out and got a new suit and pair of Ferragamo shoes just for the event. I was looking fly if I do say so myself.

The night of the event my family is all dressed up, we get into our Limo and start cruising around LA and have a few cocktails. We get to the premiere, walk the red carpet, all the papparazi are flashing away, it was very Hollywood. We are seated for the movie right behind Barbara Streisand and her husband James Brolin(he is in the movie). We watch the movie(it was entertaining) and go to the after party.

At the after party my brother and I proceed to get plowed on free booze and start getting our pics taken with a whole bunch of celebrities. It's amazing how brash you can be when you have some liquid courage. We even have some interesting conversations with Selma Blair, some other guy I forgot, and Jason Lee. Never met Julia Stiles though. Anyway we were making the rounds and my parents got us corralled up and taken to the limo. We got back to the hotel and my brother and I proceeded to stay at the Whiskey bar in the lobby and my parents retired for the evening.

This is where it gets hazy, we are buying drinks and charging them to the room, meeting some prime LA ladies(a nice change up from the usual Midwestern buffet), and having a great brother bonding time. I end up meeting this really hot commercial star at the time. It turns out she is loaded and lives in Beverly Hills. After being a total asshole to my brother we left together and she took me back to her house. This place was massive, we make it to her room, I get my pants off and pass out on her bed. I wake up in the morning with my suit coat still on and scream"I have to get to the airport!"

She wakes up and we get in her Bimmer and race back to the hotel. I hop out and promise to call and run to my room. I can't find my key so I have to knock and I am praying my brother answers. This was a two bedroom suite and ours was closest to the door. My mom answers and says, "Oh did you go get breakfast?" Then she looks at me and it registers I am just coming home and I kid you not, she says "You're gonna get AIDS!" Then she walked away.

I rush into my room to pack only to find my brother has thrown up all over it. We get our stuff together and walk down to the lobby as my dad is getting his bill and having a heart attack at the bar tab(sorry dad). We all have different flights because we all live in different places and as my parents drop me off at the curb I have a huge feeling of guilt that I should of stayed with my brother instead of leaving him alone to vomit all over our room. I could have been right there with him, but 7 years later, we are still good friends and have a great memory of going Hollywood for the only time it will probably ever happen in our lives. If you ever find yourself in that situation, abandon the chick and have a $15 dollar drink with your brother instead.

Barack Obama Boulevard and REK

I can't wait. Tomorrow at this time I will be at the Pageant in the STL with a great friend from college watching my favorite singer/songwriter Robert Earl Keen.

When I found out he was coming to town for his yearly stop I rolled down to the Loop to get my tickets at the box office. The "Loop" in St. Louis is the part of town that is a Volvo/Subaru/Prius gathering spot. These cars are generally complete with at least one Obama bumper sticker and at minimum one sort of cause they support. Cool, whatever, I'm a conservative so to each his own. As an aside I'm not one of those douchebag tea party members or anything(how embarrassing are those guys?) I'm more of a moderate.

Point is I'm strolling down the street and notice the city of STL has renamed the iconic street home to our best music venues and head shops, Barack Obama Boulevard. You have to be shitting me. I'm all for honoring great figures of history with a street every now and again, but this seems a little premature.

So tomorrow night as I am drinking Busch bottles and singing along with the greatest musician to grace the stage, I will pour a little of that beer out to honor you, Delmar Boulevard and all the great memories you gave me throughout the years.

Potty Training = FAIL

If you want advice on how to potty train your toddler don't bother asking me. When parenting became a single issue with me, I have to say I did pretty spectacular. My kiddo listens to me, is pretty good overall, and a very loving child. My view of kiddo is a proud one and I generally think she is pretty awesome as far as kiddos go.

I tried to start potty training about a month ago. I made a big deal about going to Wal-Mart and having her pick out her new underwear and some gummy worms as rewards. The first try she treated her new big girl underwear just like diapers and then pooped on my floor. New approach, I will physically put her on the potty every 30 minutes. She threw a tantrum, kicking, screaming, etc. I have repeated this scene every time I have her. The other day she actually pooped on the floor in the bathroom instead of the living room, so I think we are getting there. Then I have a conversation with one of kiddos friends moms and I said I couldn't wait to not have to wipe her butt anymore. She then explained you still have to wipe! WHAT IS THE POINT THEN?!??!?! She might as well stay in diapers as long as possible if I'm still doing the wiping. Plus, from what I hear once she is potty trained we won't be able to pass a bathroom without her needing to go. The only downside is I couldn't put her in toddler dance class at the community center because she has to be out of diapers, and that teacher is HOT. I guess there is some motivation for me. In the meantime, I will let you know how it goes.